Art of Dying
by hmw95
Summary: "What happens to us when we die?" It had been an innocent question, asked by my just-as-innocent brother. I couldn't help but ponder this, even throughout my time meditating. I even dreamt about it; an innocent question became my biggest fear. ONE-SHOT


_(A/N: This one was a little more interesting to write; I really delved into evaluations of life and death on this one, and it ended up being much more entertaining than I thought it would. Please read and review; I would love to hear your thoughts! Thank you for reading!)_

"What happens to us when we die?"

It had been an innocent question, asked by my just-as-innocent brother. I couldn't help but ponder this, even throughout my time meditating. I even dreamt about it; an innocent question became my biggest fear.

What _does _happen to us when we die? Do we go to the perfection of Heaven, as the bibles have spoken, as the religious folk have said? Do we burn in the fiery pits of Hell, of the place that even the men who wouldn't dare to touch a religious book feared? I wasn't sure I believed it; I wasn't sure what to believe at all.

Was it all just a fabrication, of a hopeful human who wished to be granted some sort of difference between life and death? Were we supposed to be so, _so _happy at the end, only to be rewarded with a never ending trail of nothingness for eternities to come?

I was so taken aback by this question; what was I supposed to say? He looked to me, his naïve eyes glittering with some sort of hope, some sort of flicker, as if he was hoping that I would tell him something- _anything_, that would confirm his dreams.

My eyes wouldn't meet his; I was at a loss. My right hand nervously twitched, only distracting me for a split second before I turned to look back. His eyes still held that same expression and I knew that I didn't want to corrupt his innocent thoughts. But, I knew he'd hate me if I were to lie to him.

"I don't know, Mike." I spoke quietly, my thumb rubbed at the muscles that continued to spasm in the arch of my palm. I focused my eyes on my nervous habit, not wishing to see the heartbreaking sight of his face. I couldn't bear to see the tears gathering in his sky blue eyes, to see his bottom lip tremble as if he were just told something that was _actually going to _kill him. I didn't want to watch, as I knew he would break into a sad grin, as if trying to tell me that it was fine, that it didn't bug him that I didn't know the answer to this very, _very _important, possibly life changing question.

I didn't expect his actual reaction.

"Oh." He whispered, almost as if he was hiding the small interjecting word from my ears. His expression wasn't that of sadness, of anger, of... Any of those. It sounded almost... _Dejected_. No... More like _disa__ppointed._ I didn't think that anything could be worse than to see that depressed, tear ridden look on my little brother's expression; but I had definitely been proven wrong. Mike had _never_ been disappointed in what I had to say to him. Not _ever_.

"Is... Is something wrong?" I tried, but I couldn't stop the stutter from appearing in the small amount of speech that I allowed to be released. If there was anything, _anything_ that bugged me, it was having my little brother upset with me. He gave a small, halfhearted smile, just as I thought he would, and shook his head.

"Everything's fine, bro. Nothing to worry about." He tried to reason, his voice only wavering slightly. "Really," He started once more, sensing my disbelief. "I'm fine, Leo. It was a stupid question to begin with."

But I wanted to tell him that it _wasn't_ a stupid question; in fact, it hit me deep in my thoughts and feelings, making me really question it: _What happens to us when we die_?

Then, it really started for me; the loss of focus, the loss of, well… _My mind_. How could I not have come up with that? Someone as innocent, as simple minded as little _Mikey_ shouldn't have to bring things like this up to me, only for me to have no answer.

Why hadn't I even thought about it? Was I too busy, caught up in the thoughts of not _letting _my younger siblings die, or come close to, that I simply thought it would never come? It drove me insane, that I had spent so much time thinking of ways to protect my brothers that I never even thought to protect them from their fear of death.

As I swung at the punching bag, only to feel someone hold the other end. I tried once more, only to determine that I would not be able to vent.

"Raph; can't I just practice in peace?" I mumbled, not even sure he would hear me. He gave me a sideways glance.

"I would, if that was what you were doin'." I narrowed my eyes, knowing full well that I had been caught red handed. "So what's the deal? What's eatin' at ya?" I sighed, hanging my head low.

"It's going to sound stupid…" I started. He just crossed his arms, waiting for my response. "But Mikey asked me a question today, and I didn't know how to answer it…"

"So you didn't know how to answer a freakin' question? Big whoop. Calm down and…" But I cut off version of a pep talk.

"He asked me what happens to us when we die, Raph." Then, his posture stiffened; he took a bit longer to respond.

"And… You didn't know?" I shook my head, still reeling in my disappointment for myself. His eye contact broke, his smile faded. It came as a shock to me; even someone like him looked within me for guidance on this? I stepped out of the room, not ready to see Raph's distress.

Since when had I not known something so important? My brothers, they looked to me for guidance, but I couldn't guide them. I was their _leader_; their _big brother_. I was supposed to have the answers, but I didn't. I was supposed to be able to aide them in their struggles with and about life, but I couldn't even aide their fears about death.

I then decided upon speaking to Donnie on the matter; he always knew more than me. Maybe he could give _me _an answer; maybe he could grant me some peace of mind with the whole subject. Maybe I could spread the wealth of the knowledge with my other brothers.

But even he was not much of a help.

"Well, some believe in the Heaven and Hell thing, or even becoming ghosts in the afterlife. There are also prophecies of reincarnation, where a person is immediately thrown back into life but in a separate vessel. There are also tales of demons and angels, but there is too much to go off of on that spectrum…" He paused. "Why? I thought you knew all of this." I shook my head with a light groan.

"With all of this, I'm not sure _what _I know anymore." I honestly spoke. "So is this all for humans?" His eyes narrowed toward me.

"Yes, it is." Donatello responded, his voice very confident. But that assured tone only fell from there. "What? Do you… Do you not know what happens to _us_? Is that what is going on right now?" I turned my gaze from him. "Leo, it's…" I cut him off.

"I'm supposed to know these things, Don! I'm supposed to be able to help you all in a time of distress, but I can't even calm any of your fears about your own death. How can you live when you fear dying?" I thought aloud, placing my head in my hands. He stayed quiet, and set his hand on my shoulder. One pat was all he gave it, before pulling away. Then, he left the room; he left me to my solitude.

Later that night, I found myself alone. I didn't know if it was anything related to the heavy topic circulating our home and the young minds in our home, but I wasn't left alone; I had all three of my brothers by my side.

"So, should we split up… Or…?" Mikey's eyes nervously glanced between the three of us. I looked upon the eyes of my brothers: the orange banded turtle had a look of desperation, a look that gave into a conclusion that he did not want us to leave one another. It was understandable, being that he was the most dependent of us. Donnie, on the other hand, didn't seem as apprehensive as my youngest brother, but I could see in his eyes; that hesitation. I then shifted my glance to Raph. His exterior was always rough, even when unnecessary, but with astonishment, I saw a difference on that day. His expression was softened, as if the events of the day had worn down his shields. He sighed.

"No. We shouldn't." My red banded brother argued. "Tonight ain't safe. We're sticking together." My brothers all bobbed their heads in agreement, but I only sighed. I knew why they were so apt to be together at this point; and it was my fault. "Leo… What?" His voice had taken on its previous gruff tone. I shook my head.

"Nothing; let's go and patrol the city." We jumped from rooftop to rooftop, from alley way to alley way. We were all so tightly bonded at that point; well, at least my brothers were. I could see the nervous glances sent in my direction. My mind was elsewhere; did I really _want_ to be out, fighting crime when my mind was such a jumble? Of course not; I wanted to be finding answers. But I didn't know where I could possibly find the answer to their question. They thought it didn't matter; but I knew it did.

We weren't finding anything wrong in the city, and we turned to head back in the direction of our home. Then, we heard a scream. Immediately set on high alert, our weapons were drawn and we were running toward the scene within seconds.

Upon our arrival, I noticed that it was some street punks picking on a young, teenage girl. Her skirt was hiked up past her hip, her t-shirt was pulled up past her breasts, and bruises littered her pale skin. Her hair was a dark brown, and it was wet with her perspiration; she had been fighting for quite a while. The look of fear and acceptance in her eye enforced the clue that she had been ready to give up. My eyes narrowed.

"Go!" I whispered to my brothers, who quickly followed my order. They worked on fighting the street dwellers, as I moved to stealthily save the girl. As the street lamp glowed along my skin, I froze as she shrieked once more. My eyes clamped shut at her loud noise; but not for long. I sheathed my swords, and held out my three-fingered hand. "Miss, you need to come with me if you want to be saved." She pulled at her clothing to cover herself, and also pulled away from me.

"H-how do I know if you… You're safe, you… You thing!" Her voice was overcome with a strong stutter, and I kept my hand in its place.

"Ma'am, you need to come with me to get out of harm's way. I won't hurt you; you have my word." She gave me a look of hesitation, and her dark brown eyes scanned over my sincere expression. She then ran toward me, into my arms, letting out a loud sob. "There, there…" I patted her once on the back, before taking her into my arms. "Hold onto me, okay?" She nodded, and I climbed the fire escape in order to reach the rooftop. I trusted my brothers to keep the fight contained until I could return. I set her down gently, and she pulled out her cell phone, ready to dial 9-1-1. "Will you be okay up here for now?" She kept her hand on my forearm.

"How can I… How can I ever thank you?" Her hand was warm against my cold skin. I tightened my hand into a fist, and she pulled her appendage away once the muscles beneath her touch began to move.

"Don't be afraid of me… Or any of my brothers. We aren't the monsters; those men were. So just… Be safe. Don't go out too late at night, don't be afraid of the unknown… Just… Be safe, okay?" Her eyes were filled with tears still, but she nodded.

I really should've taken my own advice. Why fear the unknown? Why fear death? There was really no reason for my absentmindedness; and I needed to pass that on to my confused brothers.

"I will… Thank you; for everything. I'll… I'll go hide somewhere so you can go with your friends." She ran forward and hugged me close, planted a kiss on my cheek, and whispered once more. "Thank you," She ran across the rooftop, and hid behind the wall. I turned my back, ready to head back to the brawl beneath us. "Oh my… _Look out_!" I revolved toward the sound of the girl's warning; but I was much too late.

_Bang_.

I froze, barely feeling the impact, until the force of it all threw me backward. I clutched my shoulder as I felt myself flailing in the air. Everything seemed to go into slow motion, as the nighttime air rushed past me. I could see a scarlet trail of my own blood, zipping past me in the air. The ground was approaching; I cried out as I hit something hard, and everything went black from there.

Everything was a blur; I could hear screaming, I could hear sirens in the distance. I could hear the clanging of metal upon metal, and I could hear sobbing. I couldn't even respond to any of the noise; I could only sit and listen and be frozen in my pain, until everything went numb.

Well… It wasn't exactly a numb feeling; it was a feeling of freedom. I wasn't trapped by the vessel that was my body; I felt like I was floating. I felt as if nothing could touch me. Everything felt warm inside of me, and I almost wanted to stay inside of this bubble. I felt as if I were being rushed through with good energies that seemed to swell inside of me, as if nothing could ever, ever reach inside of my soul and yank me out of this paradise.

That is, until I felt the dull pain return. Of course, I didn't die… But it was almost as if I did. I slowly opened my eyes, and it almost felt as if I were doing it against my will. I was in my room, and the space was dimly lit. It was friendly to my tired eyes. I saw the figures of my brothers outlined by the light's glow, and I couldn't help but be overcome with a smile of relief. I tried to move toward them, but could only cry out in pain as something pulled in both my shoulder and my upper back. The silhouettes of my siblings shifted at my small noise. The image of Donatello's face came into my field of view.

"Hey, Leo, how're you feeling?" His voice was as if he were speaking to a child. I smirked; he only spoke like that when something terrible happened. It gave me a small clue that something bad had occurred.

"Fine, other than the fact I can't really move. What happened?" My voice was a little weaker than I thought it would be, but it still got the job done. My other brothers appeared, and they all looked to me with expressions of varying relief.

"After you saved that girl…" Mikey relayed, surprising me with his motion to speak up. "We were fighting and you… We heard a big bang and you screaming… And, and… The girl screamed too…" His blue eyes filled with tears. "You fell on the ground… On your back… You weren't breathing… You…" My youngest brother paused, his body overcome with much too much trembling to continue. Raph set his hand upon my orange banded brother's shoulder.

"You were shot, bro." His normally strong voice was overcome with emotion, and his tone was thick with what could've been earlier shed tears.

"It hit an artery; we're lucky they post things like how to fix that on the internet." Don rejoined the conversation. "And your shell took most of the fall; but you fractured a couple of vertebrae. After a bit of physical therapy, your spine and shoulder will be as good as new, though. You'll just be stiff in the back, and sore in the arm for a while." I smiled toward my brothers, who all still wore that similar look of relief on their faces.

"Did I…" I paused. "Did I almost die?" Their expressions fell.

"You… You basically did, Leo." Raph responded firstly. His hand anxiously scratched at the back of his banded head.

"You weren't breathing when we got to you." Donatello, the one to always cite the evidence, gave his usual statistical answer. I looked to my younger brother.

"We were really…Scared. You scared us, Leo." Mikey told me. His emotions were only slightly calmed, as he still had a few tears coursing down his cheeks.

"Good thing I don't plan on doing anything like that for a while." I shifted slightly, only to be greeted with pain. I winced. "This is going to suck." My brothers smiled, and Raph chuckled lightly.

"What, the fearless leader mad because he has to have downtime for the next few weeks?" All of my brothers, and me, joined into the laughter this time around. I shook my head.

"It's all fine this time around." I stretched as much as I possibly could, already feeling restless. "Besides; I think I finally got my peace of mind. I think I found the answer." My family looked to me with a new emotion; confusion. "I think… I think I know what happens to us after we die." The look of confusion exchanged to one of fascination.

"Well… What did you find, Leo?" Mikey questioned, twiddling his thumbs. I smiled at his anxious little habit. My other two brothers looked to me in a similar manner.

"I…" I began, "I don't know if we turn to ghosts, get reincarnated… Or even if we get sent to Heaven or Hell…" I took a deep breath. "But I think… I think we become free. And… I think that's all that really matters, right?"

My brothers smiled; they were content with my answer to their question that ventured into the unknown. And I couldn't help but feel their grins spread to my own lips; I was content with my answer too.


End file.
